yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
