Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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