The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
