Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
