My underwear smells like fireworks.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
