I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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