Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Two words: nipple clamps
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