My nipple is on Facebook.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
