My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
