Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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