i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
