Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
