you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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