you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize