Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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