I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
