no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
