You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
