i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
