Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
