The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
