And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
