And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
