my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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