I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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