She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize