OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
