Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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