Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm always down for nudity.
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