dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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