He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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