I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
