i think my tv is drunk
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
