you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
i out mim tonsoeep
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