apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
