hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
