Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm at about main and main street
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
