please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
