Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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