She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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