you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
