Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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