Ketchup is God's man juice
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Randomize
