omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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