and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i will never coherently bang her
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
