I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
