Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This baby is an asshole
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
