i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
