It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
