dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
