I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
