Are we in a gay sports bar?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
