Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
