While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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