I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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