I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
