Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
