If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sorry about my life...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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