do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
