When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
this is an emotional support booty call
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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