Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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